Quarantine Tips from My Cat

Get plenty of rest.

Sleep—anywhere. On or beneath the bed, in a sunny spot, under the covers, by the window, upside-down, on the couch, in the middle of the floor, on top of the refrigerator, in the closet, on your back, in a ball, in a box.

Keep active.

Knock a bunch of coins or small bottles off a table to see how far they bounce and roll. Chase your own tail. Sprawl on top of a good book. Get scared by something—anything—and race out of the room.

Bathe regularly.

Clean behind your ears. Now do it again.

Communicate with friends and family.

Start screaming at 6 a.m., for no reason, at anyone within hearing distance. Yowl at the birds. Walk across (or lie down on) a computer keyboard. Cry in front of the closed door to a room you’re not supposed to be in anyway. Bite a phone. Yell into your full bowl of food.

Maintain a balanced diet.

Eat small meals, three to fourteen times a day. Dump food onto the floor for variety. Put your entire hand in a bowl of popcorn but then decide it’s not what you want. Steal a piece of turkey from an unattended sandwich.

Stay hydrated.

Drink plenty of water, ideally directly from a running faucet.

Take on a project.

Hide all of your toys under the couch. Shred loose pieces of paper. Pull apart your roommate’s chair. Rub your hair on every article of clothing you can find. Shit in a box and then completely cover it up.


Stare at a spot on the wall or ceiling for six minutes.

Practice social distancing.

Stay away from humans. Hiss if you have to.

Nikki Palumbo